Q: Will CERN awaken the Elder Gods?

Physicist: At the risk of over-simplifying the situation; yes, absolutely.

For years dark and unexplainable events have been the norm in particle accelerator laboratories around the world.  However, it was not until a meta-analysis of the 2001 “blood running up the walls incident” in Fermilab, the 1983 “unfortunate undead incident” in Daresbury, the 2011 “faster-than-light neutrino incident” at CERN, and the “howling vortex of pain effect” common to employees of KEK, that a subtle underlying pattern was uncovered.

In addition, some concerns were voiced when it became apparent that the user’s manual for the Large Hadron Collider had been written, entirely by accident, as a nearly verbatim translation of the Necronomicon.

But ultimately, the call for a comprehensive study by the NSF was sparked by an experiment by Dr. Damian “The Unblinking” Shoggoth (PhD., occult particle cosmology, music history), involving the ALTAS detector at CERN, and the still-beating hearts of three virgin employees.  While Dr. Shoggoth’s experiment successfully demonstrated an effective means of tauon generation, it also created a dark fissure between the Mortal World and the Dreaming.

Left: Director General of CERN, Rolf-Dieter Heuer. Right: the only known photograph of Damian Shoggoth

According to Rolf-Dieter Heuer, the director general of CERN, “… strange experimental artifacts are just a part of doing [science].  When you hear screaming every time the beam is active you tend … to assume that it’s the result of some unknown mechanism; metal fatigue, poorly tuned resonators.  One-time events, like the combined terror of every human sacrifice … bleeding through from a dimension of pure agony is difficult to take into account, given our current scientific model.”.

For thousands of years particle accelerators have been used by isolated groups of occultists to commune with their Dark Lords.  The Toltec ziggurat reactor, the Stone Henge synchrotron, the Nuclear Pile at Miskatonic, and the Nazca linear accelerators are just a few examples.  But of course, with ever greater technology comes ever more violent violations of the natural order.  It wasn’t until accelerators capable of giga-electronvolt power came into common use, for example, that secret physicist covens discovered reliable methods for creating weakly-interacting neutrino-golems, to slay their enemies.

A neutrino-golem causing as much devastation as it can.

The findings of the NSF study show that when CERN is finally brought to full power it will almost certainly summon the Outsider, and begin the Age of Torment.

Said Heuer, “We’re living at the dawning of a new age of discovery, understanding, and unending darkness.  With any luck, by 2013 we’ll have confirmed or discomfirmed the existence of the Higgs boson and been devoured by our dread master, Lord Cthulhu.”

An awakened Cthulhu: the inevitable result of fundamental research.

But, I suppose time (what’s let of it) will tell.  The joy of science is in the surprise and the eldritch horror.

The “Tentacle Lovecraft” photo is from here.

The “Cthulhu rising” is from here.

This entry was posted in -- By the Physicist, April Fools. Bookmark the permalink.

16 Responses to Q: Will CERN awaken the Elder Gods?

  1. Tristan says:

    You just made my day!

  2. Pingback: Pacaleli de 1 Aprilie. | Fii mai bun!

  3. Pingback: For the scientists out there… | Random Musings

  4. Pingback: Linkblogging for 01/04/12 « Sci-Ence! Justice Leak!

  5. Will says:

    I for one welcome our cephaloid overlords.

  6. John says:

    Why isn’t there a science-fiction novel with this article as its background being written RIGHT NOW!

  7. The Physicist The Physicist says:

    “The creature once called Feynman was right. Quantum mechanics is understood by no one. Can be understood by no one. To see through the tattered and tawdry veil that we call “classical physics” is to know the Old Ones. The horror we had released!
    I closed my eyes, as though I could shut out what we’d learned and I’d survived. Our screams had been a comfort, something human between us and the Collider. Even now It was coming. Breathing. Something ancient, unspeakably wise, and terrible.
    Violently, gratefully, I pitched forward into the beam.”

  8. Wendy says:

    Can I ask what the ‘unfortunate undead incident of 1983′ was at Daresbury. I work there and nobody seems to know….

  9. Dave Pentecost says:

    In reply to John – look into the Charles Stross novels that deal with British intelligence efforts to keep all this under wraps:



  10. The Physicist The Physicist says:

    Your coworkers who’ve been hired since ’83 may not have heard (it was weird, but no big deal). If you know anyone who’s been working there for more than 29 years, they may be suffering from “post-mortal necrotizing amnesia”, a medical condition surprising common among physicists and the recently undead. Check to see if they have sunken eyes, pale skin, and a hunger that can only be sated by brains.

  11. Will says:

    “Post-mortal necrotizing amnesia” is an incredible name.

  12. The Cool Dude says:

    I know a guy who has a sister that can summon Eldritch horrorterrors.

  13. Pingback: Will CERN awaken the Elder Gods? « Nerd musings

  14. James says:

    “A neutrino-golem causing as much devastation as it can” -peaceful park-

    Made my day

  15. Cal says:

    Did I accidentally take acid again or is this just a beautifully intricate and well worded troll?

  16. Kelly says:

    So pleased to have found this in preparation for a trip to Geneva, was needing to tune in to the local psychic wavelength and looking for a novel that might help. This blog post may have achieved the feat much more quickly but I will investigate Stross. Anything else to recommend? Thanks.

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *

You may use these HTML tags and attributes: <a href="" title=""> <abbr title=""> <acronym title=""> <b> <blockquote cite=""> <cite> <code> <del datetime=""> <em> <i> <q cite=""> <strike> <strong>