Q: Will CERN awaken the Elder Gods?

Physicist: At the risk of over-simplifying the situation; yes, absolutely.

For years dark and unexplainable events have been the norm in particle accelerator laboratories around the world.  However, it was not until a meta-analysis of the 2001 “blood running up the walls incident” in Fermilab, the 1983 “unfortunate undead incident” in Daresbury, the 2011 “faster-than-light neutrino incident” at CERN, and the “howling vortex of pain effect” common to employees of KEK, that a subtle underlying pattern was uncovered.

In addition, some concerns were voiced when it became apparent that the user’s manual for the Large Hadron Collider had been written, entirely by accident, as a nearly verbatim translation of the Necronomicon.

But ultimately, the call for a comprehensive study by the NSF was sparked by an experiment by Dr. Damian “The Unblinking” Shoggoth (PhD., occult particle cosmology, music history), involving the ALTAS detector at CERN, and the still-beating hearts of three virgin employees.  While Dr. Shoggoth’s experiment successfully demonstrated an effective means of tauon generation, it also created a dark fissure between the Mortal World and the Dreaming.

Left: Director General of CERN, Rolf-Dieter Heuer. Right: the only known photograph of Damian Shoggoth

According to Rolf-Dieter Heuer, the director general of CERN, “… strange experimental artifacts are just a part of doing [science].  When you hear screaming every time the beam is active you tend … to assume that it’s the result of some unknown mechanism; metal fatigue, poorly tuned resonators.  One-time events, like the combined terror of every human sacrifice … bleeding through from a dimension of pure agony is difficult to take into account, given our current scientific model.”.

For thousands of years particle accelerators have been used by isolated groups of occultists to commune with their Dark Lords.  The Toltec ziggurat reactor, the Stone Henge synchrotron, the Nuclear Pile at Miskatonic, and the Nazca linear accelerators are just a few examples.  But of course, with ever greater technology comes ever more violent violations of the natural order.  It wasn’t until accelerators capable of giga-electronvolt power came into common use, for example, that secret physicist covens discovered reliable methods for creating weakly-interacting neutrinogolems, to slay their enemies.

A neutrino-golem causing as much devastation as it can.

The findings of the NSF study show that when CERN is finally brought to full power it will almost certainly summon the Outsider, and begin the Age of Torment.

Said Heuer, “We’re living at the dawning of a new age of discovery, understanding, and unending darkness.  With any luck, by 2013 we’ll have confirmed or discomfirmed the existence of the Higgs boson and been devoured by our dread master, Lord Cthulhu.”

An awakened Cthulhu: the inevitable result of fundamental research.

But, I suppose time (what’s let of it) will tell.  The joy of science is in the surprise and the eldritch horror.

The “Tentacle Lovecraft” photo is from here.

The “Cthulhu rising” is from here.

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21 Responses to Q: Will CERN awaken the Elder Gods?

  1. Tristan says:

    You just made my day!

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  5. Will says:

    I for one welcome our cephaloid overlords.

  6. John says:

    Why isn’t there a science-fiction novel with this article as its background being written RIGHT NOW!

  7. The Physicist The Physicist says:

    “The creature once called Feynman was right. Quantum mechanics is understood by no one. Can be understood by no one. To see through the tattered and tawdry veil that we call “classical physics” is to know the Old Ones. The horror we had released!
    I closed my eyes, as though I could shut out what we’d learned and I’d survived. Our screams had been a comfort, something human between us and the Collider. Even now It was coming. Breathing. Something ancient, unspeakably wise, and terrible.
    Violently, gratefully, I pitched forward into the beam.”

  8. Wendy says:

    Can I ask what the ‘unfortunate undead incident of 1983’ was at Daresbury. I work there and nobody seems to know….

  9. Dave Pentecost says:

    In reply to John – look into the Charles Stross novels that deal with British intelligence efforts to keep all this under wraps:



  10. The Physicist The Physicist says:

    Your coworkers who’ve been hired since ’83 may not have heard (it was weird, but no big deal). If you know anyone who’s been working there for more than 29 years, they may be suffering from “post-mortal necrotizing amnesia”, a medical condition surprising common among physicists and the recently undead. Check to see if they have sunken eyes, pale skin, and a hunger that can only be sated by brains.

  11. Will says:

    “Post-mortal necrotizing amnesia” is an incredible name.

  12. The Cool Dude says:

    I know a guy who has a sister that can summon Eldritch horrorterrors.

  13. Pingback: Will CERN awaken the Elder Gods? « Nerd musings

  14. James says:

    “A neutrino-golem causing as much devastation as it can” -peaceful park-

    Made my day

  15. Cal says:

    Did I accidentally take acid again or is this just a beautifully intricate and well worded troll?

  16. Kelly says:

    So pleased to have found this in preparation for a trip to Geneva, was needing to tune in to the local psychic wavelength and looking for a novel that might help. This blog post may have achieved the feat much more quickly but I will investigate Stross. Anything else to recommend? Thanks.

  17. Kim says:


    this is really scaring me many months ago i had what i believe to be a lucid dream. I was in a facility which looked like CERN, I know this because i googled after i awoke, let me say that I have never been there. There were alarms going off I was looking at 3 people in a lab, a woman in a lab coat, and a man dressed in black military wear and gear were arguing over something that she had done they were both looking really scared as if they were trying to escape the third person which was a man he was of huge height and covered with blood was looking down on them listening to the conversation. he jumped through the window and and picked up the women by her throat, the military man caught his attention by shooting him many times though the bullets did no harm the woman in the lab coat managed to get away. the huge man killed the military man. the woman was running down a long hallway and there came to her two being what looked like little children in silver looking suits they were not your normal HAZMAT SUITS they were trying to get her a way from the man. they went into an elevator and went what appeared to be a hospital connected to the building outside there were all kinds of military people coming the huge man got outside to the grounds. the two “children” i say that because they appeared to be much older than any thing on this earth ever got the lab coated women to the military personnel and the huge man came out of the building the military started to fire weapons at him and he went down into one of the large circles the are on the grounds one of the “children” went after him instead of waiting for the third “child” there was so much blood every where the he got one of them and the tow others went in the tunnels after him i heard screams that is when i awoke. i have for some reason never forgotten this dream. it is as clear to me as the day i had it. AND IT STAYS WITH ME LIKE NO OTHER DREAM.
    (i had a dream that i was at the CERN particle accelerators and that strange things were happening) and this is what came up.
    Q: Will CERN awaken the Elder Gods?

    I just find this odd. and the fact that some one took the comment down very odd indeed.

  18. swampyankee says:

    As a New Englander, and someone living (far too) near the campus of Miskatonic University, I’ve found some books by a person, probably from Innsmouth, ostensibly with the name of “Charles Stross.” These seem to be memoirs written by an agent with the name of “Bob Howard,” who is a minion of a secret British intelligence service called “The Laundry.” His (this “Howard” person’s) main concern seems to be that mathematicians and computer scientists are, rather unsurprisingly, acting as either agents or stooges to help the less savory (oops! savoury) of the Elder Races to become part of our luscious and tasty world and, of course, devour our souls.

  19. Pingback: Q: How bad would it be if we accidentally made a black hole? | Ask a Mathematician / Ask a Physicist

  20. Liam Murphy says:

    I love you all… “Elder gods” excluded for copyright reasons.

  21. Magenta Fuchsia says:

    Cthulhu! Cthulhu! He’s our guy!! He’s made of mirror matter, and he came here on a beam of dark energy from his home swamp of strange quarks. CERN’s thunders will be answered by his sublime and slimy embrace.

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